As I walked through the dark house, slowly creeping down the stairs, praying my 38 year old eyes didn't fail me, I felt closed in but not in a secure way. I walked down into the basement to get my Blue Bunny Sedona (which by the way ARE TO DIE FOR!!), and thought: I can't get any lower than this. Grabbed my snack and made my way back into my room to really get a hold of things as I sucked this ice cream sandwich down, watching of all things- the Sex In The City movie. If anyone followed the series, they knew it focused on love and relationships. How fitting but my curiousity got the better of me- I had to check it out. I felt terrible when Carrie was stood up. She was decked out, pretty & proud, ready to say I Do. . .
I was the Ride or Die Chick. The dedicated, committed, the 'stand by my man' type. The hopeful, wishful thinking, the one who believed in Love and all of its elements or components. My mind thinks too much- Love is for Suckers and Fools and I maybe the most Foolish Sucker of them all. Love doesn't hurt or make you cry, yet I am fighting the tears. Exactly how much can a sweet person such as myself endure? Have you ever been around people you know or are familar with but felt so out of place, like a stranger? Or a few folks might speak to you and then disappear for the rest of the evening, leaving you alone amongst strangers?
No, no. Please don't over/understand. Don't smother me with emails, text messages, or Facebook messages, asking too many questions or getting all nervous. I AINT jumpin off of the Tappan Zee or fixin to crash my trusty Civic into a wall. I have a lot to live for- myself, my family. I'm wealthy and blessed on various levels and I am utterly grateful. You can, my 'friends', comment on this piece. I am puzzled that what very little attention I had months ago is a blow of the wind- gone. Left high and dry without warning or reason. Did I fool myself into believing I had people on my side? I've always said and believe to this day that 'Acquaintances are easy to find, true friends are hard to come by.' I should pat myself on the back- I did my very best, did my part to be there and those who know me, know this. Sacrifices.
May I ask- Do I exist? Or is it that I have to have someone by my side to be noticed or acknowledged? Maybe I'm not as strong as I've believed myself to be. My heart, soul and mind are not adjusting to anything, however there is something allowing me to press on. What is it- Love, Hope or just plain stupidity? Can it possibly be all three?
2009 has started out rocky and it still is. I have a lot of things to think about, to consider and reconsider. It's time for a change, a move- I think this is what epiphanies are all about. Before the end of this year- something big's going to happen. That I promise you.
OK. It's 12:47am and I have to be up at 6 something and 2 jobs to conquer. Be well and be blessed.
N. Tatum(c), June 15, 2009