Wednesday, March 25, 2009
We've been tested time and time again and always seem to pass. We've proven ourselves worthy of one another on various levels. I believe the truest test was the start of 2009 during your hospital stint. So many questions ran through my mind. How did you feel during sedation? Did you feel? Would you be the same when discharged? What if you didn't make it? I knew I'd never be the same if you didn't. I'd walk as the Weeping Widow and create a life of isolation and doubt. So many nights, I've cried in the bathrooms of both jobs, debating on taking leaves of absences and committing myself to being by your side full time. It was unrealistic- your bills had to be paid. My bills had to be paid. No one has an inheritance, a lottery win or a hidden fortune. I wore myself down mentally, emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, my spirit stayed positive- that's when I had to give you a 'good talkin to'. I pretended that we could read each other's minds and thought I heard you say those famous words 'I'm doing my best, Babe.' That's all I could ask. I told you I'd understand if you were tired and couldn't hold on. Honestly, that's a partial lie because I know you to be a fighter. Ultimately, we cannot control our time to be called Home. From what you've told me, you've cheated Death before, but this time- would you be so lucky? As I held your hand and kissed it, I tried to push my positive vibes around you, inside of you. Your fingers did flinch, you did respond and that gave me hope. As I stroked your eyebrows, I wondered: is my touch making a difference? Your eyes twittered and I thank you for that for I walked in with sadness but walked out with a smile, chanting ' he's gonna be alright'. I dont know if I've saved your life for a second time but I don't want to have that job for a third time. My heart is yours and I'm honored that you have accepted it. N.