For several weeks, I have been in this funk, this rut and I believe I have found the crux of my angst.
I have lost faith.
Myself, my man, our relationship, everything. I have not figured out why or how I continue to function properly at work. It's like walking with a box of blocks, neatly stacked, uniform and stable and one day, this box falls and the blocks are scattered. You reach for the blocks and you know they should be returned to the box but you cannot get those blocks to be uniform and stable. You know you have to turn them left or right or maybe unside down- but they don't fit. You press on and keep trying but become tired and frustrated and eventually, you give up. It's not your nature to give up but you feel there are no other options. CAN DO flipped to CAN'T DO. I'm unsure when this has happened to me or how I've allowed it to happen. My confidence has slipped. To boost, I have made several attempts to accomplish the smallest of tasks in the hopes that, in due time, my esteem will rebuild and I'll be on top again.
I walked the other day, I felt like nothing. A walking shell. Empty. Robotic? There was no emotion- this was for a brief period of time but it was scary and it left a chill. Since then, I've been walking and thinking, thinking, walking, planning as my mind raced in various directions. Prioritizing. Finances, home life, love life, sex life, work life, health. I thought about my age and what I'd be facing in the next few years. When do I get what I want? Financial security. An apartment in a decent area. A kid who listens. Another child. A gig that presents my talents or skills. A sense of success and achievement. Do I have the moxy to obtain or acquire any of this?
My friend understood how I've been feeling and suggested church. Maybe on Saturday evenings. Perhaps it is what I need to regain peace of mind, to have some direction- I've been lost for a long time and I'm at a point where I have no idea where I should be headed. It is often said that God gives us answers all of the time but we have such difficulties listening. My problem is I dont know if I'm hearing and ignoring or I'm listening and I'm afraid to act on what I think I may be hearing. Would I have a clearer path if I walk into any building of worship? I've lost faith in myself and wonder- what good am I to anyone else? My patience is thin. Can compromise and tolerance exist? Am I wife material or have I been fooling myself? Can I live alone? Should I live alone? How much longer will I be in NY? Do I want to get married? When do I return to school?
A spiritual retreat was brought up and that just may be what I need. A real vacation where there is no thinking involved. Where there is pampering, activities are planned, wake up calls are designed for me and my daily intinerary. My only thought- what to wear.
All I ask is for an escort towards the right direction. Get me out of this hole, this box, this orb of darkness, please, have mercy on my heavy heart and soul. I am exhausted, in a bad place physically, emotionally and mentally.