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What's on my mind?

What's on my mind?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Good Bye My Friend

Another one had to go. Earlier, I'd received a call for my new former friend about a class. Seems he had given my cell number as an alternate. I really don't recall giving my authorization for him to do that. Anyway, I hadn't talked to him in months because of the last debate we had and it was then I vowed never to talk to him again. And really, if that important call hadn't come in, I would not have dialed those numbers. I was torn on if I should relay the message or not and decided to pass it on, being the bigger person, hoping the conversation wouldnt end on a sour note, hoping I'd have no regrets on remembering the number. But this was a 20 year 'friendship'- it wasn't in my nature to say or think 'not my problem' and so, I dialed. There was a distant tone in his voice and I told him to get a pen but he interrupted me to say he'd just talked to the guy. At that point, I was almost pressed to hang up the phone but foolishly, I'd allowed this banter to continue to a level of my being stressed out.

I must have been mistaken about my expectations and definitions as to what a friend is or should be. I don't think I ask for much: honesty, communication, respect, some humor and a bit of time. I am not the smothering kind, chasing you, trying to talk to you every single day but I do all that I can to keep in touch to see how you and your family is doing. I'm concerned. I care. This person had known my relationship status for almost 4 years and tonight, he says he's always felt the guy wasn't right for me. He didn't want to say anything in the beginning or pass judgment. I was floored, hurt and insulted. This coming from a male who has never been in an adult relationship. Unfortunately, he's too into himself to be in type of committment. I can understand if my man beat me, disrespected me and my family, hurt my son or did unspeakable things (stealing money, cheating, etc). He hasn't. He's been beautiful and kind. He's the one.

But my 'friend' insisted and repeatedly said he wasn't the one. He's not right for me, he should be out of the picture entirely. He made it clear that he repeated himself so I wouldn't forget. I told him I surely won't because he hurt me so much- and I hung up on him after he tried to slip in he wished me the best of luck. Thanks my friend. I held back my tears because I really think I was more angry than sad. I wasn't sad that I had to close this chapter so abruptly. Sad that he said he was my friend and yet, for years, he blew smoke up my ass. It made me re-evaluate this relationship and it dawned on me- he was hating. His primary focus wasn't lack of love or abuse. It was about money. Of course- he's a materialistic guy. He didn't care about my feelings and let it all out without compassion- knowing some of the fires I'd been through with my man. I realized that he perhaps has never been in love with another person. Crushing and lusting, sure. But true love. Where you do anything and everything to the best of your abilities to ensure your mate's happy in various ways. It comes naturally, it's rarely a hassle. So imagine the response to my comment about moving soon. Now it's a big mistake, I'll be bored and mad, and so forth. His comments were upsetting and disappointed me. Not for a bit, he gave me an ounce of positivity. My mind flashed to my parents and I think they would have a little more understanding. I can hear my mother saying I shouldn't be a marytr and asking me (again) if this is the kind of life I want to have. I can only say I'm ready now. I have faith in myself and the relationship and I'll deal with whatever comes my way. As her only child, I can understand her fears and her concerns. He's not 100% healthy, there have been scares and close calls. Who's to say that's in the past and our future cannot be a brighter, healthier one? He will always live with a condition and he had it when we met. The other stuff is something of progress and my friend cried out 'he will never get better.' So much for having my back. I wanted to believe he had my best interest at heart but my heart and gut say this was not the case. It was a clear cut presentation of hateration.

The conversation went in so many confusing directions- delusional and odd. The HS reunion topic pressed against my forehead because today he decided to tell me why he was originally interested in attending. He said because I was interested in attending and I should have known that. I told him if he didnt tell me- how the hell would I know that? Everyone has their own reasons for attending: to get acquainted or reacquainted. To be nosy. To see who's wearing what. Who aged badly vs who didn't. I want to see some folks-and I had a decent time at the 10 year. I wont get into the ugly details about that discussion but it unnecessarily spun out of control.

As I type this I analyze my two former friendships. They were lies. The first was a ride of being taken for one and the other, this one, jealousy. I say they were lies because I had fooled myself into believing I had true friends in my corner. I didnt see them for who they truly were. It was more than 'oh that's just how he/she is'. It's bigger than that.

I always say that acquaintances are easy to come by, true friends are not. My friend count is still in tact. Less than 5. Is that a good or bad thing? This incorporates my internet support as well.

When I look ahead to when I leave NY, there will not be too many tears for my friends.

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