Someone asked "what was one of your worst dates?" I decided to take a trip down memory lane. It was about 1997. Here it goes:
My cousin arranged this madness. My first- and my last- blind date.
So we talk for a few on the phone. he seemed like he had sense. could carry a convo. no problem. it was planned he'd meet me at school and we'd do an early dinner and see a movie. name was Mitch, aged 34. I was about 26. oh an older man. woo hoo
Nicole eats lightly the next day. Was damn neared hypoglycemic by 5pm. I'm a stickler for time. 15 mins. I'm out. But there was a huge part of me that was happy. He was a no show. I could go home. I walk to the subway, checking out every male that's passed me. No dice. Caught eyes with some guy who looked like Fat Albert. I dont mean body wise. I mean face wise. I am not joking. That's the best way I could describe him. I keep walking and muttering 'no no no lawd please no lawd' and i hear 'nicole! nicole!' FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkkkk. it was mitch. couldn't be the fine PR that smiled at me right?
He apologizes for being late. It's now 5:30. some b.s. about being stuck on the train in a tunnel. check out the gear. hush puppy like shoes. tweed pants, tweed jacket, tan shirt (too tight), tie, and lo and behold- he had a monk type bald spot.
first thing he says to me is 'you shouldn't wear so much lipstick'. i stared at him and he says 'oh i guess i lost a few brownie points with that huh. i didn't mean it like that' we walk to the imaginary italian spot that was supposed to be on bway in the village. around the corner from school. we get to where it was supposed to be and it was a cafe. he stood there with his mouth opened asking ME what happened to it. he could have sworn it was there.
we walked from w. 8th to 19th to the movie theater. we agree to see Friday. ticket person says '$17'. He starts riffin. I said 'umm i'll pay for my ticket if it's a problem'. he said he had it but couldn't believe how much it costed. i dont know why- we were in manh. he was hungry. i was starving. there was a hot/cold deli nearby. we walk in and he goes to the back where the hot food is prepared. counterguy asks for his order and mitch says 'guy-ro' for gyro, with the works- mustard, mayo, ketchup, the special sauce. counterguy asks 'and for the lady?' and before i could open my mouth, he cuts in and says 'nothing for her'. i was hungry and angry and was speechless. i ended up buying petridge farms cookies. and he had his stinky ass 'guyro'. we go back to the theater to kill more time. he decides he wants to play Street Fighter. Picks his (and mine) favorite. Chun Li. The Japanese chick with the lightining kick. He loses so fast you had no time to blink. He bangs on the machine. Puts in another quarter. Lost faster this time. Kicks the machine. Now the big security guard is closing on him. notice i said him because my ass was standing on the other side of the lobby. Security guard asks him if there's a problem, scaring Mitch out of his wits. 'no no it's cool. sorry man sorry'. We walk in. I sit in the aisle seat (make a run for it). he sits 2 seats away to dig into his food. sauce and lettuce dripping everywhere. and he starts to curse. counterguy forgot something. mitch said he had a good mind to go back to that deli and threw the food in the guy's face. now you know me- i supported the cat. told him he should do just that, i'd be right here when he got back. HE DIDN'T DO IT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Movie starts, Chris Tucker's acting fool and the fool next to me is gaffawing and laughing like a seal, rocking back and forth in the seat, saying he's gonna use some of those lines.
Fast forward. We come out. I'm still starving. He says we'll catch a cab uptown. He half ass hails the cabs. we walk. remember we are on 19th. do you know we walked to 34th and then to 42nd? during our stroll, he was getting phone calls. he'd answer them and would ignore me. goody, i can head to the train and break out. but he saw me walking faster and would catch up to me. shit shit shit. we get to herald square Toys R Us (it's 9pm and closed). He shakes the handles of the glass doors and bangs on it, yelling 'let me in, i want toys'. I keep walking, cursing my cousin's name. he says some guy owed him money and he would be in the area. decides to pay him a visit. we walk to a lil candy store and there his friend was. they kick it. i check out the magazines and hear mitch say 'well my girl can kick your girl's ass'. turns out the white amazon next to me was the friend's girl. I tell mitch 'check this out. you dont know me like that so cut the shit'. I walk because i see the golden arches. I could crawl there now. he scurries behind me saying he was just joking back there. get to the register and he tells me i can order whatever i want (well thank you very much fucka). and i do- quarter pounder with cheese and fries.
i sit in a booth and eat the food because i say something really fucked up to this buffoon...i put my fries on the other side of the burget container and chill. he's bored and decides to put his filthy hands into my fries...and throws them in my face. Security guard sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. Mitch is giggling. I get up real fast like i was about to leave- oh yeah- sista's gotta pee. I was taking a while in hopes he would leave. he waited. shit shit shit. we walk out and i say 'time for me to head home'. and i walk. he wants to walk with me. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. we get on the platform and he stops at the newstand to get comic books. he takes the train with me, asking me about a stop and i told him he should get off there and i knew it was wrong. he sits across from me and pulls out a Gameboy. yes folks. and he was so engrossed he nearly missed his stop, getting crushed in the door. SWEET FREEDOM. I get home, slam the door and tell my mother she will be minus a niece and to call her sister because she will be minus a daughter. My mother asks me 'how did it go'. I told her I will kill her in various ways, i will kill her. the phone rings and it's my dear ole cousin trying to find out what happened. i told her i will kill her. she's to never come around me because she will die a slow painful death. and she's laughin. i tell her everything but mitch already told his side (whatever that may be). i told my cousin i'd kick her ass so high her grandkids would feel it.